The truth is, I’m scared.
I’m scared I’m losing the most important man in my life. Even though I’m usually mad at you for not ever being around when I need you the most and giving up on us, on me, I love you. I hate how everyone is treating me like it’s not a big deal and that I’m being some kind of over dramatic spoiled brat. I just care so much and there is nothing I can do. I knew this was all going to happen one day, but I didn’t want it now. I barely had any time with you. All these years you said you wanted me to be there and you never came to get me. All the times I heard “Camille sweetie, big things are going to happen and I’m going to help you real soon” Was this the big thing dad? You preparing me to really be gone? I believed you when you said that you know. Now I can’t, I cannot be so optimistic anymore. You’re old and sick. I’m so worried I’m really going to lose you and never see you again. I can’t stop thinking about it all. I can’t sleep and barely eat. All I have energy to do is cry. Holding everything in is nearly impossible for me now. I have no one really to talk to about this because no one I know can relate. So ranting on and on about it I feel like is a waste of their time. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. This is seriously a shitty situation. I know my friends care and want to be there. I just can’t accept it. I can’t accept any of it. This makes no sense I know. I just had to write something. it doesn’t matter if anyone reads this. I just need to say I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. I’m lonely. I haven’t felt this alone in a long time. Every waking minute I’m praying for you dad. I’m praying you will make it through. You will wake up and call me and say you’re all better or better yet this was just a terrible nightmare or joke and that you’re sorry. You’re sorry you played this 13 year prank on me and that this was the final act and it’s over and you are sorry. That you’re 100% back in my life and everything is okay. No one knows this feeling I’m having. I just want to feel good happy and alive again. I’m completely lost. I have no idea where I went. I’m just like an empty body. Half the time if I’m not thinking about you getting better or how to make sure I don’t fuck up my relationship that day. I’m really thinking of nothing. I have nothing. I’m just empty. I want to be full again. I want my happiness back. I want that life I had before but with the people I have in my life now added in. Is this a test? I feel like this is a test for me to really figure what I want and need to do. Anyway. None of this makes sense. It’s almost 4am and I have to wake up in at least 2 hours. I should to myself a favor and just try to sleep.
But, that’s the truth.
everything gets on my nerves.
i have to learn to ignore it.
he’s pretty hilarious.
he got it.
he also thinks that tumblr is hilarious.
I have trust issues. Who doesn’t though? Mine are different, I don’t trust myself. I have terrible judgment and always pick the wrong. I’m jealous, over protective, possessive and rather nosy. I’m working on that though. Don’t get me wrong I try my best to be that girlfriend who says “go hang with the boys” but I’m so insecure I come up scenarios where I get left because I’m fat and crazy and he finds some beautiful skinny normal girl. Ah yeah I have body dysmorphic disorder, that’s when I think I’m fat but I’m really not. It runs on my dads side of the family, expect they are all skinny and I’m actually overweight. That’s what they tell me though. Right yeah, I really want to be the perfect girlfriend. I’m trying this thing where I just agree. He tells me I aggravate him all the time and that I’m crazy. Well what if I just said yes and left him alone. I don’t want to be up his ass all the time bugging him with pointless text and stories that I know he really could care less about. I just want him happy. Best way to do that is leave him alone and when he wants me around he’ll have me around. I guess that what my relationship has become. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t afford that.
He is all the love I have.
I have so much on my mind I could cry. Not one of those cries where you feel better after, no this is anxiety. I have that by the way. Severe. My mind is full of things it shouldn’t be worried about. For example I turn 21 on Monday and I am terrified. Just typing that out makes me heavy breathe and get teary eyed. Why? I have no idea. I want to be happy about it but for some reason I get tense. Maybe because I’m having a birthday party the following weekend and I’m driving everyone crazy with it. Honestly I don’t even want to have this party. I just want to pretend none of this is happening. I wish I didn’t buy a new dress. I wish I could afford a cake, decorations and food. There we go, that’s my answer. I can’t afford anything. I hate asking people for things. I hate asking Patrick and Mims to help me. I like being independent and do everything by myself. I can’t though. Some things you are meant to have help with. I know this too, but I refuse to accept any help that is handed to me. Oh another thing I absolutely hate my birthday. You know deep emotional memories I try to hide from ever surfacing. Yeah well my birthday is defiantly something I wish would never surface. I’m such a freak I put on a show on how much my birthday excites me because I feel like that’s what a normal person would do, especially since it’s my 21st. That is only one of my issues. What else is bugging me?
i dont like the new tumblr so im bored and going to post all the post from the other to here.merp